The Obligitory First Post

Hello to all, which probably means just me.  Either just myself or not, I am okay with that.  I have begun this blog to help myself "let off steam" and possibly understand situations better, as well as a record for later in life when all of this silliness is over.  We will see.... :)


I am, as of this moment, a 29 year old kindergarten teacher, very happily married to my forever (seems like, at least) sweetheart.  We have been married just over two years and, at least I think, going strong.  Now we have moved on to the next part of life, which is starting a family.  I have always known that I wanted to be a mother and have been ready for it for a long time.  My DH and I decided last year to begin trying to become pregnant, which has not worked out so well so far.  After going to my doc and deciding that the two of us really were not on the same page (I had been to her twice and never really got comfortable, which is a big thing for me) I chose to go see my best friend's doctor.  I *love* her!  She is wonderful, completely proactive, and totally approachable and easy to talk to when I have questions, which is often.  One step down.....


I explained my situation (extremely irregular AF my whole life, BC for almost 10 years, TTC for about 1 1/2 years).  After many tests (with still at least one more to go.... joy....) she happily announced that I am considered "normal".  We had mainly been looking at PCOS, especially because of my weight and AF problems, but the blood work, as well as the ultrasound, were completely normal.  She said that I probably just do not ovulate as often as most women. 


Now, on one hand, I am extremely happy to be considered "normal".  I don't have to worry about a diagnosis that might be hard to take.  I am definately *not*looking a gift horse in the mouth.  However, being told I am "normal" when something is obviously not "normal" is hard to take, especially considering the lack of children so far.  How "normal" can I be?  It totally throws my idea of normal out the window.


Also, coming a day after the "normal" diagnosis, my DH and I got a call from my SIL (which happened to be on Thanksgiving, while my parents were over celebrating).  My SIL, who is one of my best friends as well as my DH sister, announced that she is pregnant.  I cannot explain the mix of emotions when we got that call.  I was extremely excited for her.  They had been trying for 4 1/2 years and it had finally happened.  I am so happy for her it's crazy and I can't wait to be an aunt.  The problem is.... as selfish as this sounds, I wanted to be the first.  I am older than her, which is frustrating in itself, and I have just wanted this for so long it hurts.  I don't know... I'm just overwhelmed and tired and ready to stop the wondering all the time.  With an AF as irratic as mine, I am constantly testing and getting my hopes up just to have them dashed with the "not pregnant" pop out at me.  When is my turn?  And why can I not stop being so selfish and quit worrying about it?!?!