It's done.

The test at the office yesterday was negative.  They sent me for blood work and they would call me the next day (today).  I had a bad feeling all the rest of the day.  This morning I woke up to horrible cramps and bright red blood.  I know what that means.  I tried going to school, but couldn't handle it and told my principal what was going on.  He was *very* supportive and was able to get some of the ladies to take my class for the day.  I called the doctor to tell them, and they confirmed for me that the blood test was negative and I was having an early miscarriage.  It's over.  I'm done and tired and can't seem to either stop crying or sit in a stupor.  I'm done.

OMG

Oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god!.................................................


It was positive.... 2 were positive! :) *happy dance*

New additions and the obligatory waiting period

Well, the waiting period has commenced and continues to be a pain in my a** as always.  We're 7 days into it (about, FF is so confused about my cycles, and frankly, so am I.... Oh well, at least I know I *did* O this time...) and it's as hard to keep from testing as it always does.  I wanna know, but I know that it won't tell me anytime soon.  *sigh* Oh well....

To add to our craziness in our house, we got a new dog yesterday.  DH and I have both been talking about getting another one for awhile now (can anyone say furbabies?) but just haven't been able to find one.  We disagree somewhat on what we wanted.  I've always wanted a big baby (Mastiff, Great Dane...) and he wanted a Shiba Inu, Greyhound, or a Whippet.  I wouldn't mind one of the others, and he doesn't mind the bigger ones, we could just never find the right one.  Well, yesterday DH went and picked up our new baby, and he is a giant!  He is a male Great Dane, 2 years old and huge! :)  His head goes past DH's waist just standing on 4 feet normally, and he's 6'.  He is the gentlest, sweetest big galoot though. :)  And he's getting along great with our other 2 so far (Mini Schnauzer and long haired Dachshund).  Then again, our 2 deal with big babies all the time since we housesit for a friend's mastiff, and they go over to her house when we go out of town to play with their 4 total mastiffs. :)  He seems to be adjusting well so far.  I love him! :)

All the way here?!?!

Just a quick note.... It's Easter Sunday and me and DH were just sitting on the couch watching movies on TV when I began to feel dizzy and felt like the couch was on rockers.  I looked to see if DH was moving the couch somehow and noticed that he wasn't.  I asked him if he was moving the couch and he said, "No, it's not you?  I feel kind of dizzy too."  I told him I was too, and asked if maybe we had a gas leak or something.  When he got up to open the back door to air out the house, just in case, I noticed the water in our water cooler was shaking.  We then both looked at each other and said, "Earthquake?"  We changed to CNN and saw that yes, there in fact had been an earthquake in Baja, CA.  We felt it all the way here, around 200-250 miles away.  Not even in CA anywhere.  First one either one of us have felt before too.  *Very* strange, but neat! :)

Life sucks.

Life sucks right now.  Everything seems to be raining down on me all at once.  Shit is going down at work so that, while I'm pretty sure (not 100% though) that I'll have a job next year, they will be cutting the district to half-day K, which means cutting 22 positions.  That also means that no one is safe right now pretty much, thanks to those stupid a**holes at the state level who chose to f*** up the laws of when districts have to do certain things, like giving us a contract or dropping positions not based on senority.  While that last one is not necessarily a completely bad thing, it's cause for a very stressful situation.  Yet, because of the cuts, no one knows what grade they will be teaching, what school they will be teaching at, and all sorts of drama.  That, on top of a disappointing meeting yesterday which will lead to a very stressful end of the year.  Then add on to it that I'm feeling especially infertile right now.  Talk about depressing......  Everyone is pregnant or just had a baby, including the wife of a very close collegue of mine at school.  I worked with his wife and him as well last year, and they are both wonderful people.  I love them both to pieces.  He and I have been keeping each other afloat this year as we both have to deal with a certain situation at work and we bounce good days off each other.  When I'm having a bad day, he bolsters me up and vise versa.  It has been one of the only reasons I have made it this year with as much sanity as I have right now.  Last year, his wife became pregnant, but very soon after it was announced at school (which, BTW I think was not supposed to happen.  She didn't seem happy that it spread so quickly.) she had a miscarriage.  I don't know if they've had a hard time with IF since it's not really something you want to ask someone, but a miscarriage is never something that is okay.  When I found out this year that she was pregnant again, after my jealousy chose to rear its ugly head and then back off some, I was *so* excited for them.  She had to have an emergency C-section a couple of weeks ago (4 weeks early), but she and baby did extremely well and are still doing well.  My collegue at work is deleriously happy (which I totally understand!) and has understandably taken some time off of work, but he's still back and forth for certain meetings and lesson plans, etc. He has come to talk to me about stuff at work, show pictures, etc, and I've been pretty down on myself lately.  Twice he has made a comment to me stating, "You know what you need to do to feel better?  Have a baby, that will make you so happy all the time and you won't care about anything else anymore!".  Ouch.  I know he doesn't know, but still. Ouch.
It seems like I am the only one who isn't, and right now I'm feeling like I might never be at all, which I know is a stupid idea, especially at the stage of my IF journey I'm in, but I can't help but feel that way.  I'm just in a bad place right now.  Hopefully airing all this out here will help, but as of now I just want to crawl in my big, empty bed (DH has to work late AGAIN and won't be home until at least 1am :( ) in my pjs, with crappy tv and cry.  Maybe I will do just that.

Try #2....

Well, AF is officially not liked by me much right now, although at least I have another try this month.  But of course I started right in the middle of my parent/teacher conferences, which is not at all inconvenient, but also not awkward (insert sarcasm here).  I did call my doc's office thought and found out that she is not happy that I ovulated around CD22 or so on the 50mg, so she wants me to try 100mg this time and shoot for a more medium O day, hopefully around CD14 or so (so I can be more "normal" I'm assuming). 

At least as of 3:30 this afternoon I am officially on Spring Break, so maybe I can relax for a week or so... :)  And maybe I'll be able to update the blog more often.  We"ll see.... :)

Life at the moment.....

Sucks.  School is stressing me out majorly with children and the possibility of losing my job next year and a crappy observation this afternoon on top of everything else (when it was supposed to be last week and, if the kids' working is any indication, would have been a *great* lesson).  Then I have all this "normal" crap to deal with as well.  At least we're starting a new cycle and today was my first day of Clomid.  We'll see how this turns out.  Will try to keep posted more often.