Day 1

My favorite song(s) are:


Crowded House- Don't Dream It's Over


Bryan Adams- (Everything I Do) I Do It For You (I know, sappy... I just love that movie! :))


Oasis and Ryan Adams- Wonderwall (both versions are great!)


Michael Buble- I Just Haven't Met You Yet ( I have fallen into the TTC song trap... :)  It is now my ringtone on my phone)

Wow... My bad...

I've been having a hard time writing the the blog since I've been really depressed lately.  Wow, that couldn't be becuase of the continued BFNs, could it?  Hmm....


Anyway, as I will start a second round of the Fem.era tomorrow, kids start school in a week, and I start school *technically* tomorrow (although I have been there quite a lot in the last 2 weeks anyway), I need something to keep my mind busy and on better, more uplifting thoughts.  I saw this on Mich.elle's blog "No, I'm Not Pregnant, Just Fat" so I thought I might do it too.  Maybe it will help me begin to blog again.  We'll see how long this lasts... :)


Day 1 - your favorite song



Day 2 - your favorite movie


Day 3 - your favorite television program


Day 4 - your favorite book


Day 5 - your favorite quote


Day 6 - 20 of your favorite things


Day 7 - a photo that makes you happy


Day 8 - a photo that makes you angry/sad


Day 9 - a photo you took


Day 10 - a photo taken over 10 years ago of you


Day 11 - a photo of you recently


Day 12 - something you are OCD about


Day 13 - a fictional book


Day 14 - a non-fictional book


Day 15 - your dream house


Day 16 - a song that makes you cry (or nearly)


Day 17 - an art piece (drawing, sculpture, painting, etc)


Day 18 - my wedding/future wedding/past wedding


Day 19 - a talent of yours


Day 20 - a hobby of yours


Day 21 - a recipe


Day 22 - a website


Day 23 - a youtube video


Day 24 - where you live


Day 25 - your day, in great detail


Day 26 - your week, in great detail


Day 27 - your worst habit


Day 28 - what's in your handbag/purse


Day 29 - hopes, dreams, and plans for the next 365 days


Day 30 - a dream for the future

It's been a while.....

I know.... but I'm just kind of at a standstill right now.  I will keep this short, but come back tonight or tomorrow and explain more, but right now I'm waiting for my sister-in-law to give birth.  She started labor last night and, as of right now, is still in labor.  Woo hoo.... Sorry, I know I might be a b*tch for saying it or thinking it, but I just can't be happy for her right now.  I will be fine later, but right now I can't do it.  I'm a b*tch, what can I say?

Wow....

Just a quick post...

First, just sharing that I *finally* have my teaching assignment for next year.  We found out on Wednesday.  I will be at my same school, but teaching 1st grade instead of Kindergarten.  This has it's ups and downs.  I have taught 1st grade before (for 2 years) but it's been awhile.  The last 3 years I have done Kindergarten, so I feel much more comfortable with that grade right now.   Also, I was really excited to try half day K for next year.  I wanted to find out how that was. Thirdly, I am *really* not excited about having to have some of these kids again next year.  I'm getting really annoyed by some of them right now.  I know that's bad to say as a teacher, but so it is. However, the other 2 Kinder teachers will also be moving to 1st grade with me, so I know who I'm working with and I *love* working with them, so I'm okay with that.  We'll see how that goes next year.  :)

Second, I just ditd my OPT for today.  I've been doing them since CD9, so just about a week.   In previous cycles, I have always had an extremely slow rise in the darkness of the line, so much so that the first day I have a dark line, I am always second guessing myself on whether or not it is the same or slightly lighter than the test line (BTW, why can't OPTs be the same as pregnancy tests, either you're about to ovulate or not?  Why so wishy-washy?  Stupid pee sticks...)  The last couple days my tests have been very light and then yesterday, slightly darker.  I figured I would probably begin seeing a positive by next Monday or so, based on what I normally see.  Nope, apparently not.  When I did my test today, it began to be much darker before I could even stand and flush.  Within the 10 minute time frame, it was *way* darker than the test line.  No ambiguous positive here today.  Interesting.... Oh well, guess it's time for the BD! :)

The appointment....

Well, just got home from the appointment.  Yea, dil.do cam... always fun.  :)  I do like the ultrasound tech though, so it wasn't too bad.  I walked in exactly on time and then was called back about 5 minutes later, so I didn't have to worry too much about having to see many pregnant women for long (that's very hard sometimes, as you would imagine.)  When I was called back, the tech first did the stomach ultrasound and took measurements, then asked me to empty my bladder (thank god!  That was hurting real bad from all the water I had to drink.) so we could continue with the internal cam.  When I was ready, she continued with the internal cam.  While she was doing measurements, I asked her exactly what we were looking for and she explained very thoroughly.  They were looking mainly at my overies and trying to find out whether or not the Clo.mid was actually working and helpign me ovulate.  They were looking for my dominant follicle (I thought that was what it was....).  She didn't see any promising follicles on my right side, and then she went on to the left side.  Man, that side was tender and painful when she went over there!  She said that she did find one good one on the left side and that might be why it was so tender.  Only one, but as she said, "You only need one, and that's what most other women develop."  True, true.... I was then able to put my clothes back on and leave.  They told me that my doc would call me tomorrow with the results.  It's going to be a long wait until tomorrow, but I might actually be able to take the phone call since we will actually be on a field trip to the zoo for the day.  We make sure to invite enough parents to be free during the field trip in case of emergencies.  It's nice to not have to have a group.  I guess we'll see tomorrow what happens....

PS:  Is it bad that, while I put my clothes on, I wrote down all the measurements she took that were on the U/S screen so I could come home and research them? :)  Oh well, it's my uterus, I can google if I want to! :)

Another day....

Another day to get through.... I'm doing better, although I did stay home again.  I just wasn't ready to face those 23 five year olds.....  It's nice to have support from my kinder team at school though.  I'm trying not to tell many people, since people don't really need to know, but I didn't want them to worry about me. (I know, that statement sounds silly, but I still, even now, can't help trying to help other people.  The one time I'm allowed to be selfish, I think, and I can't even do that right....)

Still bleeding horribly, but light at the end of the tunnel time.  My doc wants me to do another round of Clo.mid, same dosage, and this time I'm scheduled for an ultrasound on the 4th for, what I think they said, was called a "dominate follicle scan".  I wish I had written it down.  Oh well, I'm sure I can call and ask and they'll tell me.

Just trying to take it day-by-day and looking forward to to hopefully succeeding this next time.  *crossing fingers and praying*

It's done.

The test at the office yesterday was negative.  They sent me for blood work and they would call me the next day (today).  I had a bad feeling all the rest of the day.  This morning I woke up to horrible cramps and bright red blood.  I know what that means.  I tried going to school, but couldn't handle it and told my principal what was going on.  He was *very* supportive and was able to get some of the ladies to take my class for the day.  I called the doctor to tell them, and they confirmed for me that the blood test was negative and I was having an early miscarriage.  It's over.  I'm done and tired and can't seem to either stop crying or sit in a stupor.  I'm done.

OMG

Oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god!.................................................


It was positive.... 2 were positive! :) *happy dance*

New additions and the obligatory waiting period

Well, the waiting period has commenced and continues to be a pain in my a** as always.  We're 7 days into it (about, FF is so confused about my cycles, and frankly, so am I.... Oh well, at least I know I *did* O this time...) and it's as hard to keep from testing as it always does.  I wanna know, but I know that it won't tell me anytime soon.  *sigh* Oh well....

To add to our craziness in our house, we got a new dog yesterday.  DH and I have both been talking about getting another one for awhile now (can anyone say furbabies?) but just haven't been able to find one.  We disagree somewhat on what we wanted.  I've always wanted a big baby (Mastiff, Great Dane...) and he wanted a Shiba Inu, Greyhound, or a Whippet.  I wouldn't mind one of the others, and he doesn't mind the bigger ones, we could just never find the right one.  Well, yesterday DH went and picked up our new baby, and he is a giant!  He is a male Great Dane, 2 years old and huge! :)  His head goes past DH's waist just standing on 4 feet normally, and he's 6'.  He is the gentlest, sweetest big galoot though. :)  And he's getting along great with our other 2 so far (Mini Schnauzer and long haired Dachshund).  Then again, our 2 deal with big babies all the time since we housesit for a friend's mastiff, and they go over to her house when we go out of town to play with their 4 total mastiffs. :)  He seems to be adjusting well so far.  I love him! :)

All the way here?!?!

Just a quick note.... It's Easter Sunday and me and DH were just sitting on the couch watching movies on TV when I began to feel dizzy and felt like the couch was on rockers.  I looked to see if DH was moving the couch somehow and noticed that he wasn't.  I asked him if he was moving the couch and he said, "No, it's not you?  I feel kind of dizzy too."  I told him I was too, and asked if maybe we had a gas leak or something.  When he got up to open the back door to air out the house, just in case, I noticed the water in our water cooler was shaking.  We then both looked at each other and said, "Earthquake?"  We changed to CNN and saw that yes, there in fact had been an earthquake in Baja, CA.  We felt it all the way here, around 200-250 miles away.  Not even in CA anywhere.  First one either one of us have felt before too.  *Very* strange, but neat! :)

Life sucks.

Life sucks right now.  Everything seems to be raining down on me all at once.  Shit is going down at work so that, while I'm pretty sure (not 100% though) that I'll have a job next year, they will be cutting the district to half-day K, which means cutting 22 positions.  That also means that no one is safe right now pretty much, thanks to those stupid a**holes at the state level who chose to f*** up the laws of when districts have to do certain things, like giving us a contract or dropping positions not based on senority.  While that last one is not necessarily a completely bad thing, it's cause for a very stressful situation.  Yet, because of the cuts, no one knows what grade they will be teaching, what school they will be teaching at, and all sorts of drama.  That, on top of a disappointing meeting yesterday which will lead to a very stressful end of the year.  Then add on to it that I'm feeling especially infertile right now.  Talk about depressing......  Everyone is pregnant or just had a baby, including the wife of a very close collegue of mine at school.  I worked with his wife and him as well last year, and they are both wonderful people.  I love them both to pieces.  He and I have been keeping each other afloat this year as we both have to deal with a certain situation at work and we bounce good days off each other.  When I'm having a bad day, he bolsters me up and vise versa.  It has been one of the only reasons I have made it this year with as much sanity as I have right now.  Last year, his wife became pregnant, but very soon after it was announced at school (which, BTW I think was not supposed to happen.  She didn't seem happy that it spread so quickly.) she had a miscarriage.  I don't know if they've had a hard time with IF since it's not really something you want to ask someone, but a miscarriage is never something that is okay.  When I found out this year that she was pregnant again, after my jealousy chose to rear its ugly head and then back off some, I was *so* excited for them.  She had to have an emergency C-section a couple of weeks ago (4 weeks early), but she and baby did extremely well and are still doing well.  My collegue at work is deleriously happy (which I totally understand!) and has understandably taken some time off of work, but he's still back and forth for certain meetings and lesson plans, etc. He has come to talk to me about stuff at work, show pictures, etc, and I've been pretty down on myself lately.  Twice he has made a comment to me stating, "You know what you need to do to feel better?  Have a baby, that will make you so happy all the time and you won't care about anything else anymore!".  Ouch.  I know he doesn't know, but still. Ouch.
It seems like I am the only one who isn't, and right now I'm feeling like I might never be at all, which I know is a stupid idea, especially at the stage of my IF journey I'm in, but I can't help but feel that way.  I'm just in a bad place right now.  Hopefully airing all this out here will help, but as of now I just want to crawl in my big, empty bed (DH has to work late AGAIN and won't be home until at least 1am :( ) in my pjs, with crappy tv and cry.  Maybe I will do just that.

Try #2....

Well, AF is officially not liked by me much right now, although at least I have another try this month.  But of course I started right in the middle of my parent/teacher conferences, which is not at all inconvenient, but also not awkward (insert sarcasm here).  I did call my doc's office thought and found out that she is not happy that I ovulated around CD22 or so on the 50mg, so she wants me to try 100mg this time and shoot for a more medium O day, hopefully around CD14 or so (so I can be more "normal" I'm assuming). 

At least as of 3:30 this afternoon I am officially on Spring Break, so maybe I can relax for a week or so... :)  And maybe I'll be able to update the blog more often.  We"ll see.... :)

Life at the moment.....

Sucks.  School is stressing me out majorly with children and the possibility of losing my job next year and a crappy observation this afternoon on top of everything else (when it was supposed to be last week and, if the kids' working is any indication, would have been a *great* lesson).  Then I have all this "normal" crap to deal with as well.  At least we're starting a new cycle and today was my first day of Clomid.  We'll see how this turns out.  Will try to keep posted more often. 

As you might know....

Waiting sucks....  9dpo and nothing... although many weird pains and such, but that can be just my hopeful imagination... We'll see soon, yes or no, then onto the lovely world of pills!

Stupid delayed body....

So, I have been waiting and waiting to be able to start my Clomid to get this show on the road, but AF just didn't seem to want to show up.  Apparently all I need to do next time is call my NP office to let them know I am concerned about it.  I called on Wed. to tell them the situation, my NP wasn't there, so they said they would let her know and someone would call me back the next day.  They did and asked me the standard "Have you taken a HPT?", "Yes, negative.", "Have you been taking OPTs?", "Yes, all negative so far.", etc.  Then they say, "Alright, let me let your NP know and I will get back to you as soon as I can.".  Alright, no problem.  This is Thursday she called me back the first time.  Then I get a call back on Friday, and when I talk to them they tell me that they will call in a prescription for *more* Provera and they want me to take 100 mg of Clomid, not the previous 50mg that I never took (who knows why) so they called in an extra set for those as well.  Well, what happens when I go home and take another OPT?  Quite obviously positive.  Of course it is.  I'm happy it finally became positive, and I'm happy that DH and I were BDing at the right time, but it's more than a little frustrating to never know..... Yeah, I Oed on abt CD40... Not very "normal" if you ask me.... Oh well, I guess now I get to call the NP office on Monday *again* and ask if I should still take the 100mg or just the 50mg if this one doesn't take.  They'll probably think I'm a moron who doesn't know how to POAS.....

Wow... where to begin...

So, apparently, when I go on winter break for school, even though I have all that extra time, I decide to take off the entire time from my blog too.  Interesting phenomenon..... Anyway, how to catch up....

Well, I had my HSG to get done and was completely freaked out.  All I read on the internets was that it was painful, you would get cramping, etc.  I went there on the 22nd and was almost to the hyperventilating state.  They brought me into the room and I waited on the table for the dr to come in, shaking and fearing what was coming.  The dr finally came in and told me she was going to start and.... that's it?  That's what I got all worked up about?  Really?  It was worse getting my blood taken (but that's always worse... they can *never* find my veins... it really blows...).  I felt very happy to get it finished with, but ridiculous for letting myself get so freaked out.

Then, the very next day my aunt, cousin, and mom came over to have a holiday baking day and I get a call from my NP office ( which is more than a little awkward since I haven't told anyone yet about our TTC except for a few friends, not any family yet).  So the office called and said they had my results back from my HSG (already?  Really?  Okay then...) and they were.... wait for it.... NORMAL!  Good grief, who would have thought that being so normal could be so frustrating!  I asked DH and my friend who knows we are TTCing, if I am so f***ing normal, why can I not seem to get pregnant or have a consistant AF?  Tell me how that's normal.... But I digress...

My NP office said that since the HSG was normal (of course) they would call in my prescription to start the Clomid and I could pick it up that afternoon.  Holy s*** that was quick!  I didn't even have to go in and talk to my NP like I figured I would.  Which is good, but it threw me off a little.  I do like my NP a *lot* though, so I am always happy to go talk with her.  She is always ready to explain and help me. :)

The one downside to getting the Clomid without seeing my NP is that I never know if I'm going to even get AF, let alone when it will happen (hence the Provera to be able to get the HSG done).  I figure if I don't see AF by about CD30 or CD35 (and I take the obligitory HPT and it is a BFN!) I'll call and see if I can get some more Provera or something like that... Or at least find out what to do....  It's can be such a pain in the a** to be so normal sometimes... :)